We’re Here to Help Widowed Spouses

Spouses and family members can spend hours providing updates to other family, friends, neighbors, and coworkers. Instead, designate one person to be the director of all communications. Also, determine the most effective and efficient way to communicate with others.

We recommend using a website to communicate what happened to your loved one and highlight the family’s needs. There are specific companies that have designed FREE and EASY-to-use templates for those facing a crisis and loss. Many families have chosen to use social media as a quick way to communicate with many. We recommend being mindful of privacy for the infant as this is also their birth story.

Helpful items to include are daily updates, and photos, as well as listing specific ways people can help. This can be prayer requests, spiritual assistance, meals, flowers, monetary donations, etc.

Listed below are organizations that offer websites and personal blogs:

• Caring Bridge
• Lotsa Helping Hands

Funeral Basics is an excellent website that offers a comprehensive list of resources for planning a funeral service. We recommend starting with their Funeral Checklist.

Many people may volunteer to deliver a meal as a way to offer support. Ask a family member or friend to coordinate the process. They can spread the word to others who may want to participate. Include friends, co-workers, neighbors, and church members.

We recommend setting a specific time for meals to be delivered. Putting a cooler by the front door for meals to be placed in is a useful tip. This is an overwhelming time, and it may be difficult to speak with each person delivering meals.

For those who are assisting with establishing a meal plan, here are some steps to get you started.

1. Determine the portions needed or have the meals planned to come every other day. Fridges often fill up very quickly and become hard to manage.
2. Help the family with weekly fridge cleaning and purging.
3. Make note of any food allergies, preferences or limitations.
4. Keep a log of people who provide meals and their contact information.
5. Request gift cards for local restaurants, Door Dash, Uber Eats, Grub Hub, and Postmates for those who are not in the area.
6. Set up a website that helps coordinate meal deliveries with ease. Families have used Meal Train, Give in Kind, Care Calendar, and Lotsa Helping Hands.

The loss of a mother during childbirth is unexpected and never planned for. Most young families do not carry funeral expense insurance or own burial plots. The average cost of a funeral is around $5,000-12,000.

Families and friends may offer to start a fundraiser to help with funeral and burial expenses.

Go Fund Me offers quick and simple websites to help get your fundraiser started. Simply tell your story with a photo, set a goal, and share it with friends and family. You will need an active bank account to get your GoFundMe account set up. Funds raised are available in just a few days and will be directly deposited into the bank account. There are minor fees that are taken out of each contribution. However, the ease of set-up and the quick sharing on social media platforms makes it a simple solution.

Write things down. Your memory will likely be unreliable for some time. Keep a detailed journal of your daily activities and thoughts. This can be immensely therapeutic. You may even consider writing a letter to your loved one.

Create a spreadsheet to help you list the tasks you need to accomplish. Put these items in order of priority and set a reasonable goal to accomplish them. It can be hard to grieve when the financial and logistical burdens require so much attention and time.

For spouses/partners with joint accounts:

Visit your local bank branch office and ask to speak with the Branch Manager or Operations Manager. It is best not to work with a teller or new account agent. Establishing a relationship with a long-term employee who has the power to make decisions is important.

Inform the Branch Manager or Operations Manager of your loss. Explain you’d like to cancel the debit card but not remove your spouse’s name from the account. DO NOT CLOSE A JOINT BANK ACCOUNT. Ask them to place a note on the account of the death. You may receive checks in their name for some time, so it is important to keep their name on the account. Be sure to add a payable-on-death (POD) beneficiary, such as your children or trusted family member. If you have a living trust consider opening a new savings account. Leave any excess money that is not needed for monthly bills. If you change your existing checking account to the name of the trust and get a check in your wife’s name, you may not be able to deposit it. Having funds in a trust account will allow the administrator or executor to access the funds and avoid probate.

If a memorial account exists, consider setting it up at the same bank and branch. If friends or family are doing this for you, please ask them to work with your bank contact. This will help the Branch Manager become more familiar with your situation. They will likely be more apt to make considerations regarding bank transactions such as holds, fees, etc.

If your spouse/partner handled the finances, consider hiring a local bookkeeper to help you. Seek referrals from a trusted advisor, such as an attorney, CPA, banker, or friends and family.

For family members of a mother who was uncoupled/single with no will:

As soon as you notify the bank of your loved one’s passing they will freeze the account. You cannot access your loved one’s funds unless you are listed as a beneficiary. You will also have to provide them with the death certificate and proper identification.

If your loved one was single and did not have a will or a beneficiary on their bank accounts, the account will be frozen and sent to the state. The assets and property are then passed by intestate succession to their heirs (children or blood relatives). This process is different and depends on the state where your loved one lives. Usually, the court will appoint an administrator who divides up the assets.

Finding bank accounts

If you are unsure where your loved one had bank accounts you can pull a credit report. This may identify open cards or credit lines such as overdraft protection. You can search their phone for apps for online banking. You can check their mail for statements. You can check their email accounts for the words “bank or credit union”.

Typically, if the accounts are not used for 2-3 years the funds will be sent to the state. Check out Unclaimed.org or MissingMoney.com to search for any unclaimed property and be sure to check that regularly for several years.

We recommend preserving their voicemail message in another form. Be sure to back up the phone to iCloud or to your computer to keep all photos, text, and voice messages. Check with the phone carrier to see about the best way to do this. Consider keeping the phone service on to notify any future callers of your loss. Below are the direct links to the major cell phone carriers in the U.S. on what your options are and what documentation is needed.

• Verizon
• T-Mobile
• Sprint
• AT&T

Make a list and copy of your spouse/partner’s credit cards, business expense accounts, and any other open accounts. Each of these institutions will need to be notified. Many will require a copy of the death certificate to validate your request to close the account. Ask each company whether there is any insurance that pays off the account in the event of a cardholder’s death. Consider running a credit inquiry to identify any other open accounts.

• Equifax
• Experian
•  Transunion

If there is an auto loan or lease on your loved one’s car, contact the lender to notify them as soon as possible.

Loans
Auto loans are based on the value of the car and are guaranteed by the signers of the loan. If you co-signed for the loan, you are responsible for still making payments. Do your best to make all payments until you can sell the car and pay off the loan. If your loved one did not have a co-signer on the loan, the estate is responsible for ensuring the loan is paid back. You can work with the lender to inquire about returning the car. However, there are usually fees, and often times the value will not cover the total cost of the loan. If there was no co-signer and no will, you would need to go through probate to gain the rights to sell the vehicle. This process varies by state.

Lease
Similar to car loans, if you co-signed for the lease, you are responsible for still making payments. There may be a provision in the lease agreement that allows for an early termination, lease transfer, or swap. If this is not an option, you can work with the lease company. They can repossess the car and the estate will be responsible for paying any remaining balance.

Insurance
Contact the insurance company to inform them of your loss. You can ask about coverage for non-use to keep it insured until you are able to sell it. Or, you could remove your loved one from the policy. If you plan to keep the car, you’ll need to work with the state DMV to get the title and registration transferred.

Title, Registration, and License
Each state’s DMV will have its own process for title transfers. This may include special provisions such as transfer on death (TOD) or Joint With Rights of Survivorship (JWROS). You will also want to formally surrender your loved one driver’s license.

Get the information regarding any 401(k) accounts if you have investment accounts held in your spouse’s name. There are many options and tax decisions to make. Be sure to speak with a financial advisor preferably one that is a CFP before making any changes. If you do not currently have one, ask for a referral from your estate attorney or a trusted advisor. For the most current information about 401(k) and IRA, please visit the government website below.

https://www.irs.gov/retirement-plans/401k-plans

Contact the utility companies and other subscriptions you may have to transfer service to your name. These may include

• Gas and Electric
• Trash
• Water
• Sewer Television or streaming services
• Internet provider
• Music services
• Gym membership or Fitness apps
• Newspaper, magazine, or audio service subscriptions
• Library cards
• Food or Gift box subscriptions

If your spouse/partner’s employer provides your insurance, there may be a period when you will still have coverage. You’ll need to work with HR or with the insurance company to ask about how long coverage will last. You will also want to add your newborn child to the policy. Depending on your spouse’s employer you may also be able to continue coverage through COBRA.

Review your loved one’s phone for any cash or payment exchange apps and contact them to close their accounts.

Venmo 1- 855-812-4430
Paypal 1-888-221-1161
Zelle 1-844-428-8542
Apple Pay
Samsung Pay

As you continue to process your grief you may find that you would like to do something to memorialize your loved one. There are a number of creative ways to honor and remember them. Here are just a few ideas. 

• Check with the funeral home to obtain a copy of their fingerprints and order custom jewelry
• Create a memory box with photos and keepsakes
• Order custom jewelry or keepsakes with their cremains
• Commission or order memorial artwork or sketches
• Donate to causes in their honor
• Dedicate a park bench or plant a tree
• Design and obtain a tattoo
• Create a memory garden 
• Pen a journal to your loved one
• Spend time in a place you frequented with them

We want to honor your loved one with a special personalized AFE Memorial candle. Order here and use coupon code AFElight at checkout.

One candle per family please. Additional candles can be purchased on the same website.

Anyone present during the delivery may develop post-traumatic stress disorder. PTSD is a serious condition that can occur after a person has experienced or witnessed a traumatic event. A diagnosis is made by a mental health professional and requires treatment.

The PTSD Risk Assessment can help you understand if you might be experiencing symptoms of PTSD. This is not a diagnostic tool but may help assess your symptoms. If you believe you are suffering from symptoms of PTSD, it’s important to seek professional support.

AFE Foundation Grieving Family Support Group  
This group is for any family members who have lost a loved one to an AFE. This group provides a forum for sharing in grief, seeking comfort, and asking questions of others in similar circumstances. Our hope is that this group will prove helpful in the days, weeks, months and years following the AFE. The group is a closed group to ensure the members posts are only available for others members to see. This group was established by and is moderated by the AFE Foundation.

AFE Foundation Grieving Fathers Support Group
A group for fathers who have lost a spouse or partner to AFE, this group provides a forum for sharing in grief, seeking comfort, and asking questions of others in similar circumstances. Our hope is that this group will prove helpful in the days, weeks, months and years following the AFE. The group is a closed group to ensure the members posts are only available for others members to see. This group was established and is moderated by the AFE Foundation.

General Books on Grief

• Why Bad Things Happen to Good People by Harold S. Kushner
• When There are No Words: Finding Your Way to Cope with Loss and Grief by Charlie Walton
• It’s Okay That You’re Not Okay by Megan Devine
• A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis
• The Five Ways We Grieve: Finding Your Personal Path to Healing after the Loss of a Loved One by Susan Berger
• How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies by Therese A. Rando, Phd
• Good Grief by Granger E. Westberg
• Comfort: A Journey Through Grief by Ann Hood

For Parents Grieving the Loss of an Adult Child

• Death of an Adult Child by Therese A. Rando, Ph.D
• Beyond Tears: Living After Losing a Child by Ellen Mitchell
• Shattered: Surviving the Loss of a Child by Gary Roe

For Siblings

• Sibling Grief – Healing After the Death of a Sister or Brother by P. Gill White
• Surviving the Death of a Sibling: Living Through Grief When an Adult Brother or Sister Dies by TJ Wray

For Widowed Fathers

• Two Kisses for Maddy: A Memoir of Loss & Love by Matt Logelin 
• When Your Soulmate Dies by Alan Wolfelt

• The Wonderful Gift is a children’s book written by Quinea Postel, who lost her sister to an AFE. Penelope is an angel who walked among us, whose life’s purpose was to deliver “the gift” of a child. It is for children of all ages. It can start a conversation about the loss of a mother and the birth of a child.
• The Invisible String is written to address children’s fear of being apart from the ones they love. The Invisible String delivers a message about being separated from the ones we care for. Love is the unending connection that binds us all.
• Why Do I Feel So Sad is an inclusive, age-appropriate, illustrated kid’s book designed to help young children understand their grief.
• Help Me Say Goodbye: Activities for Helping Kids Cope When a Special Person Dies It is an art therapy and activity book for children coping with death. Sensitive exercises address all the questions children may have during this emotional and troubling crisis. Children are encouraged to express in pictures what they are often incapable of expressing in words.
• The Good Mourning Book is written by a young boy who lost his mother. It helps children process the range of emotions, thoughts, and pain experienced after the loss of a loved one.
• The Memory Box will help children and adults talk about this very difficult topic together. It allows the reader to imagine the loss of any they have loved – a friend, family member, or even a pet. A guide in the back includes helping children manage the complex emotions they feel when they lose someone they love. It also provides suggestions on how to create their memory box.
• Goodnight Star Whoever You Are helps kids cope with grief, loss, and longing in an enchanting way.
• When Mama Goes To Heaven seeks to provide a healing narrative about loss.