If you think it’s an AFE, call us! 1-307-363-2337 (1-307-END-AFES)

If you think it’s an AFE, call us!

1-307-363-2337 (1-307-END-AFES)
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AFE Support
Those Grieving

The Heart Never Forgets

We offer our most sincere condolences on the loss of your loved one to an amniotic fluid embolism. What should have been a joyful moment in your family’s life has suddenly turned into tragedy and loss.

Our organization recognizes every mother and baby lost to an AFE and would be honored if you shared your loved one’s life and legacy with us. They are the inspiration for our work to end AFE.

Below are information and resources to assist you in the weeks, months, and years to come. May we be a light that helps illuminate your path forward.

AFE heart with names of those lost due to an AFE.

Immediate Considerations

Autopsy Information

This is such a difficult and very personal decision to make. Below we hope to answer some of the most common questions and guide you as you decide what aligns with your needs and personal beliefs.

Why should an autopsy be done in cases of Amniotic Fluid Embolism? 
AFE is a diagnosis of exclusion. This means all other possible causes have been excluded and made based on the clinical symptoms. An autopsy can help further exclude any other possible causes for your loved one’s death. In cases of AFE, an autopsy may show the presence of amniotic fluid or cells from the baby in the veins and tissues. The presence of these cells alone cannot confirm an AFE. They are also found in laboring women who do not show any symptoms of an AFE.

What is an autopsy?
An autopsy is a surgical procedure used to help determine the medical reason explaining why a person has passed.

Who performs the autopsy?
An autopsy is performed by a trained medical examiner, coroner, or pathologist.

What happens during an autopsy?
It is important to know that care and consideration for the patient are always a top priority. Organs and tissues are carefully removed from the body for further examination and then returned to the body. The body is then cleaned and prepared for final transport to the funeral home or crematorium.

Religious Considerations
Many major religions support autopsies being an individual family decision. Consider consulting with your religious leader for guidance. Share your beliefs with the staff helping coordinate the autopsy.

How long will it take to get the results?
Typically, you receive a verbal answer about the cause of death. A provisional report can be provided, but a final report may take up to 3 months.

Reading the Autopsy Report
Reading an autopsy report is expected to be a very emotional and difficult experience. It will be noticeably absent of any emotion and entirely clinical. We recommend you read it with a loved one at a time when you can sit quietly without interruption. Do not read it late into the evening or when you have anything else scheduled in your day. We offer families support and guidance when reading through the autopsy. Please contact us, and we can set up a time to connect. Please contact us and we can set up a time to connect.

Spouses and family members can spend hours providing updates to other family, friends, neighbors, and coworkers. Instead, designate one person to be the director of all communications. Also, determine the most effective and efficient way to communicate with others.

We recommend using a website to communicate what happened to your loved one and highlight the family’s needs. There are specific companies that have designed FREE and EASY-to-use templates for those facing a crisis and loss. Many families have chosen to use social media as a quick way to communicate with many. We recommend being mindful of privacy for the infant as this is also their birth story.

Helpful items to include are daily updates, and photos, as well as listing specific ways people can help. This can be prayer requests, spiritual assistance, meals, flowers, monetary donations, etc.

Listed below are organizations that offer websites and personal blogs:

Funeral Basics is an excellent website that offers a comprehensive list of resources for planning a funeral service. We recommend starting with their Funeral Checklist.

Allow people to help. The common response we hear is sometimes you don’t know what help you need. Many of the items on this list can be done or started by someone else. Ask a close family member or friend to help manage the tasks below. You will find many people will want to help, even strangers. Be sure to keep the contact information of those offering to help. You may not have an immediate need but may discover one at a later time.

Many people may volunteer to deliver a meal as a way to offer support. Ask a family member or friend to coordinate the process. They can spread the word to others who may want to participate. Include friends, co-workers, neighbors, and church members.

We recommend setting a specific time for meals to be delivered. Putting a cooler by the front door for meals to be placed in is a useful tip. This is an overwhelming time, and it may be difficult to speak with each person delivering meals.

For those who are assisting with establishing a meal plan, here are some steps to get you started.

  1. Determine the portions needed or have the meals planned to come every other day. Fridges often fill up very quickly and become hard to manage.
  2. Help the family with weekly fridge cleaning and purging.
  3. Make note of any food allergies, preferences or limitations.
  4. Keep a log of people who provide meals and their contact information.
  5. Request gift cards for local restaurants, Door Dash, Uber Eats, Grub Hub, and Postmates for those who are not in the area.
  6. Set up a website that helps coordinate meal deliveries with ease. Families have used Meal Train, Give in Kind, Care Calendar, and Lotsa Helping Hands.

The loss of a mother during childbirth is unexpected and never planned for. Most young families do not carry funeral expense insurance or own burial plots. The average cost of a funeral is around $5,000-12,000.

Families and friends may offer to start a fundraiser to help with funeral and burial expenses.

Go Fund Me offers quick and simple websites to help get your fundraiser started. Simply tell your story with a photo, set a goal, and share it with friends and family. You will need an active bank account to get your GoFundMe account set up. Funds raised are available in just a few days and will be directly deposited into the bank account. There are minor fees that are taken out of each contribution. However, the ease of set-up and the quick sharing on social media platforms makes it a simple solution.

Write things down. Your memory will likely be unreliable for some time. Keep a detailed journal of your daily activities and thoughts. This can be immensely therapeutic. You may even consider writing a letter to your loved one.

Create a spreadsheet to help you list the tasks you need to accomplish. Put these items in order of priority and set a reasonable goal to accomplish them. It can be hard to grieve when the financial and logistical burdens require so much attention and time.

Financial Consideration

Social Security Death Benefit and Survivor Benefits

If your loved one worked in the United States, they may have qualified for survivor benefits. This includes a one-time death benefit of $255, and monthly benefits to help care for surviving children 16 or under. These benefits may be available to their spouse, family member, or in sometimes a divorced spouse. Social Security should be notified of the death as soon as possible. Your funeral home or you may contact them directly. If you are one of the covered family members, you’ll want to apply for benefits. You can visit your local Social Security office or contact them at 1-800-772-1213. Below are the items you will need to have in your possession when applying.

  • Proof of the worker’s death;
  • Birth certificate or other proof of birth;
  • Proof of U.S. citizenship or lawful alien status if you were not born in the United States [More Info]
  • U.S. military discharge paper(s) if you had military service before 1968;
  • For disability benefits, the forms (SSA-3368 and SSA-827) that describe your medical condition and authorize disclosure of information to us;
  • W-2 forms(s) and/or self-employment tax returns for last year;
  • Final divorce decree, if applying as a surviving divorced spouse; and
  • Marriage certificate

The Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA) is a Federal Act. It allows eligible employees to take an unpaid, job-protected 12 weeks off. This can be to care for a newborn child or a family member with a health condition. It can also be for yourself if you are suffering from a health condition (mental health and PTSD qualify). Eligibility is determined by the company you work for and how long you have been employed. Learn more and see if you qualify.

For spouses/partners with joint accounts:

Visit your local bank branch office and ask to speak with the Branch Manager or Operations Manager. It is best not to work with a teller or new account agent. Establishing a relationship with a long-term employee who has the power to make decisions is important.

Inform the Branch Manager or Operations Manager of your loss. Explain you’d like to cancel the debit card but not remove your spouse’s name from the account. DO NOT CLOSE A JOINT BANK ACCOUNT. Ask them to place a note on the account of the death. You may receive checks in their name for some time, so it is important to keep their name on the account. Be sure to add a payable-on-death (POD) beneficiary, such as your children or trusted family member. If you have a living trust consider opening a new savings account. Leave any excess money that is not needed for monthly bills. If you change your existing checking account to the name of the trust and get a check in your wife’s name, you may not be able to deposit it. Having funds in a trust account will allow the administrator or executor to access the funds and avoid probate.

If a memorial account exists, consider setting it up at the same bank and branch. If friends or family are doing this for you, please ask them to work with your bank contact. This will help the Branch Manager become more familiar with your situation. They will likely be more apt to make considerations regarding bank transactions such as holds, fees, etc.

If your spouse/partner handled the finances, consider hiring a local bookkeeper to help you. Seek referrals from a trusted advisor, such as an attorney, CPA, banker, or friends and family.

For family members of a mother who was uncoupled/single with no will:

As soon as you notify the bank of your loved one’s passing they will freeze the account. You cannot access your loved one’s funds unless you are listed as a beneficiary. You will also have to provide them with the death certificate and proper identification.

If your loved one was single and did not have a will or a beneficiary on their bank accounts, the account will be frozen and sent to the state. The assets and property are then passed by intestate succession to their heirs (children or blood relatives). This process is different and depends on the state where your loved one lives. Usually, the court will appoint an administrator who divides up the assets.

Finding bank accounts

If you are unsure where your loved one had bank accounts you can pull a credit report. This may identify open cards or credit lines such as overdraft protection. You can search their phone for apps for online banking. You can check their mail for statements. You can check their email accounts for the words “bank or credit union”.

Typically, if the accounts are not used for 2-3 years the funds will be sent to the state. Check out Unclaimed.org or MissingMoney.com to search for any unclaimed property and be sure to check that regularly for several years.

If your loved one had a life or accidental death insurance policy, contact your agent or company. Check with their employer to ask if there is a policy in place for her. Confirm who the designated beneficiaries are. Typically, insurance policies will require a cause of death for the death certificate. See our section on death certificates for more information about the cause of death. When closing credit cards, be sure to ask if there was any life insurance connected to the account.

If you are unable to unlock the screen consider changing the password. Consider having someone connect with their contacts to notify everyone of a memorial service.

We recommend preserving their voicemail message in another form. Be sure to back up the phone to iCloud or to your computer to keep all photos, text, and voice messages. Check with the phone carrier to see about the best way to do this. Consider keeping the phone service on to notify any future callers of your loss. Below are the direct links to the major cell phone carriers in the U.S. on what your options are and what documentation is needed.

Make a list and copy of your spouse/partner’s credit cards, business expense accounts, and any other open accounts. Each of these institutions will need to be notified. Many will require a copy of the death certificate to validate your request to close the account. Ask each company whether there is any insurance that pays off the account in the event of a cardholder’s death. Consider running a credit inquiry to identify any other open accounts.

If there is an auto loan or lease on your loved one’s car, contact the lender to notify them as soon as possible.

Loans
Auto loans are based on the value of the car and are guaranteed by the signers of the loan. If you co-signed for the loan, you are responsible for still making payments. Do your best to make all payments until you can sell the car and pay off the loan. If your loved one did not have a co-signer on the loan, the estate is responsible for ensuring the loan is paid back. You can work with the lender to inquire about returning the car. However, there are usually fees, and often times the value will not cover the total cost of the loan. If there was no co-signer and no will, you would need to go through probate to gain the rights to sell the vehicle. This process varies by state.

Lease
Similar to car loans, if you co-signed for the lease, you are responsible for still making payments. There may be a provision in the lease agreement that allows for an early termination, lease transfer, or swap. If this is not an option, you can work with the lease company. They can repossess the car and the estate will be responsible for paying any remaining balance.

Insurance
Contact the insurance company to inform them of your loss. You can ask about coverage for non-use to keep it insured until you are able to sell it. Or, you could remove your loved one from the policy. If you plan to keep the car, you’ll need to work with the state DMV to get the title and registration transferred.

Title, Registration, and License
Each state’s DMV will have its own process for title transfers. This may include special provisions such as transfer on death (TOD) or Joint With Rights of Survivorship (JWROS). You will also want to formally surrender your loved one driver’s license.

Get the information regarding any 401(k) accounts if you have investment accounts held in your spouse’s name. There are many options and tax decisions to make. Be sure to speak with a financial advisor preferably one that is a CFP before making any changes. If you do not currently have one, ask for a referral from your estate attorney or a trusted advisor. Please visit the IRS website for the most current information about 401(k) and IRA.

Contact the utility companies and other subscriptions you may have to transfer service to your name. These may include

  • Gas and Electric
  • Trash
  • Water
  • Sewer Television or streaming services
  • Internet provider
  • Music services
  • Gym membership or Fitness apps
  • Newspaper, magazine, or audio service subscriptions
  • Library cards
  • Food or Gift box subscriptions

If your spouse/partner’s employer provides your insurance, there may be a period when you will still have coverage. You’ll need to work with HR or with the insurance company to ask about how long coverage will last. You will also want to add your newborn child to the policy. Depending on your spouse’s employer you may also be able to continue coverage through COBRA.

Review your loved one’s phone for any cash or payment exchange apps and contact them to close their accounts.

Memorializing Your Loved One

Memorial Websites

Legacy.com

Legacy.com is a for-profit company that helps create a memorial website. Memorial websites can help you celebrate and honor your loved one’s legacy. Visitors can share messages of support and remembrance while connecting. Through shared personal tales and reflections, this lasting online memorial continues the life story of your loved one. The site also offers support and resources on how to deal with grief.

Forever Missed

This site helps create memorial websites to honor the loss of a loved one. Their easy-to-use templates allow those with modest computer skills the opportunity to create a beautiful site. A basic memorial website at ForeverMissed.com is free to create and lasts forever.

Remebered.com

This site offers a free online memorial website in memory of your loved ones. Enshrine your photos, memories, and tributes with friends and family. Memorials are free to create and use for 30 days and can be commemorated forever for $9.95. There is never a fee for memorial visitors.

KudoBoard

Collaborate to create a unique, online memorial. Add memories, photos, or videos; invite others to contribute; visit online and print it out as a book of remembrance. Receive $25 off with promo code AFE2021.

Memorial Facebook Page

If your loved one has an existing page, be sure to report this information to Facebook. Type “Memorialize an Account” under the help menu for instructions. When an account is memorialized, only confirmed friends can see the profile or locate it in the search function. The profile will no longer appear in the suggestions section of the home page. Friends and family can leave posts in remembrance. Once an account has been memorialized, it is completely secure and cannot be accessed or altered by anyone.

As you continue to process your grief you may find that you would like to do something to memorialize your loved one. There are a number of creative ways to honor and remember them. Here are just a few ideas. 

  • Check with the funeral home to obtain a copy of their fingerprints and order custom jewelry
  • Create a memory box with photos and keepsakes
  • Order custom jewelry or keepsakes with their cremains
  • Commission or order memorial artwork or sketches
  • Donate to causes in their honor
  • Dedicate a park bench or plant a tree
  • Design and obtain a tattoo
  • Create a memory garden 
  • Pen a journal to your loved one
  • Spend time in a place you frequented with them

We want to honor your loved one with a special personalized AFE Memorial candle. When ordering, use coupon code AFElight at checkout.

One candle per family, please. Additional candles can be purchased on the same website.

Grief and Coping

Stages of Grief

Denial
Following a loss, denial, and shock is a normal response as we wonder how life will continue. Denial can help by pacing our feelings of grief. It allows us to cope and process our feelings in a more manageable way.

Anger
A necessary and often misunderstood part of grieving is anger. It can help us reconnect to the reality of our circumstances. Allowing yourself to feel and release anger will help relieve tension and aid the healing process.

Bargaining
The belief that we can exchange one thing for another or wish to undo an event that has occurred. Bargaining forces us to acknowledge that the event happened as we try to negotiate our circumstances.

Depression
Depression is a normal, natural response to loss and may intensify as you begin to accept your loss. Please seek assistance from mental health experts or social support when you feel overwhelmed by loss.

Acceptance
During this stage, you may begin to understand the permanence of your loss. Accepting your loss can be painful and is not the same as being alright, ‘moving on’, or forgetting your loss. You may continue to experience sadness and longing as you accept this new normal. You may work towards having more good days than bad days.

Finding Meaning
The stage of grief is where you can work to find meaning in the love you continue to feel for a person after their death. Finding your way to sustain the love you feel following death can help you move forward in your own life.

The Process of Grief:

  • The experience of grief varies from one person to another.
  • The stages of grief are not linear, and you may not experience every stage.
  • It is common to move back and forth between different stages over time.
  • There is no time limit on the grieving process. However, lingering symptoms of grief can turn into complicated grief.
  • Complicated grief feels more intense and can hinder the healing process.
    • Risk Factors for Complicated Grief
      • Loss of a child, spouse, partner, or anyone with whom the person had a strong and fulfilling relationship
      • Negative circumstances surrounding the death
      • Financial hardship related to the loss
      • History of mood, anxiety disorder, or PTSD
      • History of trauma or loss
      • History of Substance Abuse Disorder or Alcoholism
      • Deployed or combat veteran

General errands can be given to others after your loved one is hospitalized. Have someone make a list of the essentials you need. Consider snacks for other children, toiletries or anything else your family may need.

Books on Grief

General Books on Grief

For Parents Grieving the Loss of an Adult Child

For Siblings

For Widowed Fathers

  • The Wonderful Gift is a children’s book written by Quinea Postel, who lost her sister to an AFE. Penelope is an angel who walked among us, whose life’s purpose was to deliver “the gift” of a child. It is for children of all ages. It can start a conversation about the loss of a mother and the birth of a child.
  • The Invisible String is written to address children’s fear of being apart from the ones they love. The Invisible String delivers a message about being separated from the ones we care for. Love is the unending connection that binds us all.
  • Why Do I Feel So Sad is an inclusive, age-appropriate, illustrated kid’s book designed to help young children understand their grief.
  • Help Me Say Goodbye: Activities for Helping Kids Cope When a Special Person Dies It is an art therapy and activity book for children coping with death. Sensitive exercises address all the questions children may have during this emotional and troubling crisis. Children are encouraged to express in pictures what they are often incapable of expressing in words.
  • The Good Mourning Book is written by a young boy who lost his mother. It helps children process the range of emotions, thoughts, and pain experienced after the loss of a loved one.
  • The Memory Box will help children and adults talk about this very difficult topic together. It allows the reader to imagine the loss of any they have loved – a friend, family member, or even a pet. A guide in the back includes helping children manage the complex emotions they feel when they lose someone they love. It also provides suggestions on how to create their memory box.
  • Goodnight Star Whoever You Are helps kids cope with grief, loss, and longing in an enchanting way.
  • When Mama Goes To Heaven seeks to provide a healing narrative about loss.

It is important to take at least 30 minutes to an hour each day to have to yourself. This is vital for you to replenish your mind, body, and spirit. Tell family and friends you need this time. Some common tips that have been helpful to others have included going to the gym, coffee shop, place of worship, park, or library. If you have a hobby, be sure to continue to do that. Depending on the time of year, getting outside can be very beneficial. Be mindful that some of the loneliest and most isolating hours are once the baby and children are in bed. This will be a good time to connect with friends or seek comfort from the support groups.

Our online peer support groups allow you to meet others who truly understand and share a similar loss. They are facilitated by Courtney Diffner, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with vast expertise in grief and birth trauma who experienced the loss of a dear friend from an AFE. We offer two groups. We encourage you to give them a try.

  • Grieving Moms- Every 2nd Thursday, 5-6:15 pm PST. Register. 
  • All Family Members- Every 4th Thursday 5-6:15 pm PST. Register. 

Speak with a team member to answer any questions or concerns you may have. Send us a message to set up a time.

We have 5 licensed social workers on our support team that can help you find the right type of therapy and help identify providers in your area. Due to licensing laws we don’t offer individual therapy services. Send us an email here to request assistance.

Honoring the memory of your loved one is something we deeply understand and wish to support. If you’re comfortable sharing their birthday or angelversary dates, we would be grateful to acknowledge these special occasions alongside you. Your memories matter to us.

Our apparel store is now open and has many items to choose from, including memorial graphics. Visit our shop and choose a meaningful tribute to honor your loved one.

Ways the AFE Foundation Can Support You

AFE Foundation Facebook Support Groups

Our online Facebook Support Groups allow you to connect, share, and ask questions whenever is best for you. Click the appropriate group to join.

AFE Research Opportunity!

You are likely shocked and being forced to make difficult decisions right away. We do want to inform you there is a time-sensitive opportunity to participate in a research study.

There are critical blood specimens that will be otherwise discarded that could instead be sent to us for our study. We would not ask for any additional specimens to be taken from your loved one.

We believe blood and tissue specimens from these women hold critical clues. It can help researchers understand the condition. They could develop a means for prevention and treatment so that no future mothers and babies will die. To learn more or to begin the process of enrolling your loved one contact us at 1-307-END-AFES (1-307-363-2337).

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